I'm searching for something I can feel in control of. This ephemeral, fleeting world offers little condolence in this regard: I can't control who calls me in for auditions, I can't control, really, if I book the job or not, I can't control the train being late or rain, for example.
My world is full of things that let me have my hand on the wheel but refuses to let me steer (did I steal that from a Howard Jones song?). Just last night, I was sitting in a yogurt shop with Looks in the thick of Times Square. Little did we know that as we were eating and enjoying each other's company that a mere two blocks away, NYPD was closing down the streets and using a robotic arm to break into an SUV with a crude bomb inside. Looks said that Times Square was "mobbed," but Times Square is ALWAYS mobbed at 6:00 P.M. on a Saturday, especially when it's warm like it was yesterday. So now I have to add bombs to the list of things I have no control over.
It's not a new thought, and many books and movies have examined this very topic, but it made me stop and think about the things in action that we cannot see. Things at the particle level; glass molecules moving about, good and bad cells running through our bodies, cells that reproduce into cancer, or babies. Not to mention what is happening in the privacy of people's living rooms, on the street corners, in the board rooms.
So, in an effort to get a grasp on what I feel is becoming a steamrolling sense of malaise, I have decided to do a serious detoxification/cleansing regimen. I want to move through my days with a sense of purpose, a plan, other than the purpose and plans I have going now. The toy box that is my life needs to be turned upside down and scattered about, and if a change in my daily rituals and habits are the tools, then I can hardly wait. The mystics often ask themselves "how can I see this differently?" I am hoping, perhaps naively, that at the end of this personal cleaning, that I will perceive things differently.
