It happens every year around this time. I see the ends of the leaves on the trees curling gently toward themselves as they prepare for their descent to the ground beneath them. It is fall. I hear reports from home of cool mornings tinged with the air of pending December. The longer you walk on the trails, the greater the reward, as the blazing leaves make their descent down the mountainside. I can smell the air, hear it as it moves purposefully through the Aspens, their long white trunks crowned with a million leaves of gold.
Yes, I am restless. At 9:30 p.m. I could feel my soul jumping out of its skin so I took it out for a spin. A storm may be coming because the air here is restless, too, and the wind is pushing along the brown leaves already fallen. I'm back and again in front of this computer, but walking frantically for an hour wasn't enough to clear my head. I thought about grand, esoteric blog titles like "Hope vs. Reality: Whose reality is real?" blahblahblah. Who am I kidding? I don't know the answer to any of that. See, I went to a very disheartening dance call on Friday (well, the dance call was amazing. The choreographer is incredibly talented and his combinations outstanding), but I was the disheartening part. My reality right now is not matching my ambitions. Within those ambitions is a whole microcosm of other people's expectations, i.e. directors, music directors, choreographers, producers, etc. The business of pretend is indeed a harsh reality. Through it all I feel a real sense of disconnection and powerlessness.
I read this today in The Essential Crazy Wisdom by Wes "Scoop" Nisker: "Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the time I am being carried on great winds across the sky (Ojibway saying).
What I want and what are real are two very different things right now. In all honesty, what I really want to do, what always, without exception brings me great joy, is to drive around with the windows down, my head hanging out like a dog on some vast highway in the west, nothing but asphalt in my rearview and truck stop coffee in the cup holder as I drive from one trailhead to the next. Is there a job for that?
"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. " ~Kahlil Gibran.
1 comment:
"... What I want and what are real are two very different things right now...
what I really want to do, what always, without exception brings me great joy, is to..."
An old man once told me something I never forgot:
"Do what you love ad the money will follow."
It is profound and I still don't know how it works, but it does.
I have spent the last decade doing pretty much just that.
Follow your heart and dreams, Erin. They know the way. :-)
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